Jacob's Jokes & Funnies

Going Postal

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:17:00 +0000

This one is an original by me:

What do you call a Jewish Postal Service?

"Jew. P. S."

har har.

On Headache and Hypnotists

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:34:00 +0000

Received from MM. Thanks

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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks," What happened?"
His wife replies," Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

"It worked! The headaches are all one."

His wife then adds, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the athroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Men are just happier!

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:11:00 +0000

Received from MM. Thanks!


Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood
all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can
'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Citibank's "Customer Service" for the dead

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Happy New Year! Its been a while but lets try to get in the swing of things, If you have a good joke, email me at jacobdajew at gmail.com

Received from Yitzy. Thanks!

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This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? (Priceless!!)

Bris Joke

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 12:49:00 +0000

From Yudi via Da Wife:

What do you call a bris that takes place on the 7th day of the week?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Shabbos-Dick!

I dont want this job!

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 19:00:00 +0000

Received from DS, I'll pass on this job bro!

When you have an
' I Hate My Job '

day,

[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

The husband Store

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:46:00 +0000

Saw this one over at Jack's Place:

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A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Never argue with a woman

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:39:00 +0000

Read this one over by The Dreamy One:

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Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns the boat to the cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also thin

Speaking of bans....

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:27:00 +0000

Received from D.S. Ahem, good one!

=============================================

BANNED
FROM WAL MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set
all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made
a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September
10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the cl erk
where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted
around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last,
but not least ..

15.
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"

Regards,
Tom
Richards

Walmart
Manager

You might be Yeshivish if....

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:56:00 +0000

Received from MM. Thanks.

*If one of your wife's shaitels cost more than both of
your cars...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five
younger siblings...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you consider chulent a basic food group...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he
must come from Greece...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "
skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to
your maid or the checkout clerk...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez
treats can be bought with food stamps...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom
Tov...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream
flavor...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your grandchilden are older than some of your
children...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you had to got engaged after three dates because
there are only three airports in the NY area...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see
one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow
your van...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by
seasonal changes...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of
passage for your daughters...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can
catch your own gefilte...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV
in the clothes  closet...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your
son's bar mitzvah invitations...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you heard about this article but can't read it
because the internet was ossered...
You Might Be Yeshivish!!!

Can you find the lost puppy?

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 13:30:00 +0000

Received from D.S. TY.
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I know most of you are all dog lovers.

Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her
puppy with no response, and the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please
let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

We know where YOu are..

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 13:02:00 +0000

Saw this one by Ahuva S, one of my Facebook buddies.
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President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, " How come the
Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression: ' Vus titzuch?'

The President says, "What does that mean?"

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "it's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening' ". "They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this
is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat ) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York ,picked up in an unmarked car , and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn" .

ADHD Cure

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 02:29:00 +0000

Um..I forgot who sent this to me...

Grab Bag of Goodies

jacobdajew@gmail.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 14:13:00 +0000

Its D.S.'s fault again...Thanks!

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? "Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had t o take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'

---

Can you move the car for me please?

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 13:27:00 +0000

Funny..Thanks D.S.

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HMOs explained

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 01:55:00 +0000

Received from D.S. Thanks, yo, hope you feel better.

MEDICAL QUESTIONS EXPLAINED

QUESTIONS REGARDING YOUR HMO:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." It's roots go
Back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
That a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked
Hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
Want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
Will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The
Doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
Accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
Participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
Still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
Half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should
I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
My problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
Right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
Co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

HEALTH QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
True?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
Them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
Will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life
Of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
Efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
Vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
Allowance of vegetable products.

Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
Of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc...

Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
Program?
A. Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
For you?

Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
Middle?
A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
Should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
Best feel-good food around!

Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q. Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!

Men are better buddies...

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 22:03:00 +0000

Received from Da Wife. xoxo.
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WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next
day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The
man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had
slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Shabot 6000: Seda'Club

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 19:37:00 +0000

Seda' Club - shabot6000.com

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Jewish Girl Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 12:41:00 +0000

Jewish Girls Blues by Bradley Fish: Awesome!

Warning: Mature content-Grandpas etc

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:11:00 +0000


Received from MM. Thanks.

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A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see
if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays
that
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes
in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete
pro-fessionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman
may just not have been there at the time of her little
'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?"

He answers,"Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall*
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits

So you wanna be married for a night?

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 01:37:00 +0000

Received from MM. Props.

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just  for tonight, let's pretend
that "We're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Warning- Mature Content

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 00:59:00 +0000

Received from MM, thanks!
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A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the  country,
walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
reads:

CHEESE BURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he
walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker,

"are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies,

"Well, wash your hands really good, I want a cheeseburger.

More than 9 items

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 02:14:00 +0000

Received from MYS, whoever that is. Thanks.

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My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items.

And one heck of a funny clip.

She knows exactly what to do....

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 18:58:00 +0000

Received from Lakewood Venter. Thanks, yo!
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A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that the son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm a fundraiser for the ____________( insert local charity)."

Immigration

noreply@blogger.com (Jacob Da Jew) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 22:33:00 +0000

Received from Da Wife. Spasiba.
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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me

housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
*************

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

" Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
**************

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says,

"Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not

American!"
************

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."