Jacob's Jokes & Funnies

On Book Reports......

2010-01-12T15:23:00.001-08:00

Received from MM. Thanks!

Book Report-Too funny!!! 
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My  Life' by Bill Clinton.. 
 
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
 
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
 
Titanic:.... Cost - $29.99
Clinton   :..... Cost - $29.99
 
Titanic:...... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton   :..... Over 3 hours to read
 
Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.. 
Clinton   :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
 
Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton   :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
 
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton   :.... Ditto for Bill.
 
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. 
Clinton   :..... Ditto for Monica.
 
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton   :... Let's not go there.
 
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton   :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts. 
 
Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton   :.....      Clinton   doesn't remember jack.
 
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton   :...... Monica.. ooh, let's not go there, either. 
 
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton   :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

Going Postal

2009-07-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

This one is an original by me:

What do you call a Jewish Postal Service?

"Jew. P. S."

har har.

On Headache and Hypnotists

2009-02-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

Received from MM. Thanks

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks," What happened?"
His wife replies," Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,

stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

"It worked! The headaches are all one."

His wife then adds, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist

and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the athroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Men are just happier!

2009-01-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

Received from MM. Thanks!


Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple
creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking
to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood
all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can
'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Citibank's "Customer Service" for the dead

2009-01-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Its been a while but lets try to get in the swing of things, If you have a good joke, email me at jacobdajew at gmail.com

Received from Yitzy. Thanks!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? (Priceless!!)

Bris Joke

2008-10-19T05:49:00.000-07:00

From Yudi via Da Wife:

What do you call a bris that takes place on the 7th day of the week?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Shabbos-Dick!

I dont want this job!

2008-07-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Received from DS, I'll pass on this job bro!

When you have an
' I Hate My Job '

day,

[even if retired you have those sometimes]

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

The husband Store

2008-05-30T11:46:00.001-07:00

Saw this one over at Jack's Place:

------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Never argue with a woman

2008-05-11T04:39:00.000-07:00

Read this one over by The Dreamy One:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns the boat to the cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking, "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also thin

Speaking of bans....

2008-03-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

Received from D.S. Ahem, good one!

=============================================

BANNED
FROM WAL MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against
Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set
all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made
a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in
Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September
10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the cl erk
where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted
around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal
position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!"

And last,
but not least ..

15.
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!"

Regards,
Tom
Richards

Walmart
Manager

You might be Yeshivish if....

2008-02-18T05:56:00.000-08:00

Received from MM. Thanks.

*If one of your wife's shaitels cost more than both of
your cars...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you mow the lawn wearing a black wool suit...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you let your eight-year-old babysit for her five
younger siblings...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you consider chulent a basic food group...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you read about a "Rabbi Emeritus" and think he
must come from Greece...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you use words like "davka", "mamish", and "
skoiach" in every conversation, even when talking to
your maid or the checkout clerk...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you're intimately familiar with which Paskez
treats can be bought with food stamps...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you visit Loehman's Back Room before every Yom
Tov...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you think "parve" is an official ice cream
flavor...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your grandchilden are older than some of your
children...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you had to got engaged after three dates because
there are only three airports in the NY area...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you go to a wedding with your wife and only see
one another for the car ride there and back...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you think "schmorgasbord" is a yiddish word...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If the school bus breaks down and they ask to borrow
your van...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife's clothing choices are not affected by
seasonal changes...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If "kugel making" is the primary female right of
passage for your daughters...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you want to go fishing on vacation so you can
catch your own gefilte...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife keep her wigs on the dresser and your TV
in the clothes  closet...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If your wife enclosed cooking assignments with your
son's bar mitzvah invitations...
You Might Be Yeshivish!

*If you heard about this article but can't read it
because the internet was ossered...
You Might Be Yeshivish!!!

Can you find the lost puppy?

2008-01-06T05:30:00.001-08:00

Received from D.S. TY.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know most of you are all dog lovers.

Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.
She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.

Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her
puppy with no response, and the back door was open.

She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please
let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

We know where YOu are..

2008-01-03T05:02:00.000-08:00

Saw this one by Ahuva S, one of my Facebook buddies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, " How come the
Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression: ' Vus titzuch?'

The President says, "What does that mean?"

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "it's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening' ". "They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this
is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat ) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York ,picked up in an unmarked car , and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn" .

ADHD Cure

2007-12-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

Um..I forgot who sent this to me...

Grab Bag of Goodies

2007-12-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

Its D.S.'s fault again...Thanks!

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? "Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had t o take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.'

---

Can you move the car for me please?

2007-10-31T06:27:00.001-07:00

Funny..Thanks D.S.

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HMOs explained

2007-10-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Received from D.S. Thanks, yo, hope you feel better.

MEDICAL QUESTIONS EXPLAINED

QUESTIONS REGARDING YOUR HMO:

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." It's roots go
Back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered
That a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked
Hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
Want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
Will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The
Doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
Accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
Participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
Still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
Half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should
I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
My problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
Right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
Co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

HEALTH QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:

Q. I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
True?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
Them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
Will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life
Of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A. You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
Corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
Efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
Vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
Allowance of vegetable products.

Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
Of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q. How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A. Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc...

Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
Program?
A. Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
For you?

Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
Middle?
A. Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
Should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
Best feel-good food around!

Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q. Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!

Men are better buddies...

2007-10-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

Received from Da Wife. xoxo.
-----------------------------------------------

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next
day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The
man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman
called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had
slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

Shabot 6000: Seda'Club

2007-10-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

Seda' Club - shabot6000.com

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Jewish Girl Blues

2007-10-19T05:41:00.000-07:00

Jewish Girls Blues by Bradley Fish: Awesome!

Warning: Mature content-Grandpas etc

2007-10-12T09:11:00.000-07:00


Received from MM. Thanks.

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A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She
browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet
and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to
look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see
if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays
that
a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes
in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete
pro-fessionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,
"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman
may just not have been there at the time of her little
'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?"

He answers,"Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :

Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall*
My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He
approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost
my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits

So you wanna be married for a night?

2007-09-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

Received from MM. Props.

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the
woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just  for tonight, let's pretend
that "We're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Warning- Mature Content

2007-09-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

Received from MM, thanks!
----------------------------------------

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the  country,
walks into a
tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which
reads:

CHEESE BURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he
walks up to the bar and
beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker,

"are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies,

"Well, wash your hands really good, I want a cheeseburger.

More than 9 items

2007-08-08T19:14:00.001-07:00

Received from MYS, whoever that is. Thanks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items.

And one heck of a funny clip.

She knows exactly what to do....

2007-08-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

Received from Lakewood Venter. Thanks, yo!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that the son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm a fundraiser for the ____________( insert local charity)."

Immigration

2007-07-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

Received from Da Wife. Spasiba.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me

housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
*************

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

" Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
**************

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,

shakes his hand and says,

"Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not

American!"
************

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

"Terror Warnings"

2007-07-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

Received from Lakewood Venter. Thanks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the recent terror attacks in Europe, the EU nations have taken a "tough stance" on terrorism. UK Prime Minister Brown even went so far as to ban the words "terrorist" and "muslim" from being used in the same sentence! Tough, no?

The many members of the EU have taken these threats very seriously and have upgraded their terror alerts as follows:

ENGLAND:The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terroristthreats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated",oreven "A Bit Cross." (Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since theblitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.)

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "BloodyNuisance." (The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"warninglevel was during the great fire of 1666.)

FRANCE:The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terroralert level from "Run" to "Hide." (The only two higher levels in Franceare "Surrender" and "Collaborate.")

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France'swhiteflag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY:Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"to"Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "ChangeSides."

GERMANY:The Germans also increased their alert state from "DisdainfulArrogance"to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

BELGIUM:Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the onlythreat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Before N After

2007-07-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

Received from Epes A Chosid. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

Now after the marriage you can read it, starting from botom (Can I trust you?) up !!!!

Couple of short shots

2007-07-02T10:53:00.001-07:00

Received by email, Anon. Thanks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica
Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it? 
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around
the White House on her hands and knees, and putting
everything in her mouth. 

They grow up so fast, don't they?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman
nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, 
"Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going ?"
 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns
around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says, 
"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody,
anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, 
in the car, front door, back door,
on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or
with clothes on, dirty,clean ...
 It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it
 ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass
love it."
 
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
 "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. 
 What firm are you with?"

Best one for last:

The phone rings.
(Jewish mother picks up the phone and answers)
Hello?
 
Daughter
Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
 
Jewish Mother
You're going out?
 
Daughter
Yes.
 
Jewish Mother
With whom?
 
Daughter
With a friend.
 
Jewish Mother
I don't know why you left your husband. He's a good
man.
 
Daughter
I didn't leave him. He left me.
 
Jewish Mother
You let him leave you, and now you go out with
anybodies and nobodies.
 
Daughter
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the
kids?
 
Jewish Mother
I never left you to go out with anybody except your
father.
 
Daughter
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
 
Jewish Mother
What are you hinting at?
 
Daughter
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids
over tonight.
 
Jewish Mother
You're going to stay the night with him? What will
your husband say if
he finds out?
 
Daughter
My ex-husband. I don't think he would be bothered.
From the day he
left me, he probably never slept alone.
 
Jewish Mother
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
 
Daughter
He's not a loser.
 
Jewish Mother
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children
is a loser and a
parasite.
 
Daughter
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or
not?
 
Jewish Mother
Poor children with such a mother.
 
Daughter
Such a what?
 
Jewish Mother
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
 
Daughter
ENOUGH!!!
 
Jewish Mother
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser
too.
 
Daughter
Now you're worried about the loser?
 
Jewish Mother
Ah, so he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately.
 
Daughter
Goodbye, Mother.
 
Jewish Mother
Wait! Don't hang up. When are you bringing the
children over?
 
Daughter
I'm not bringing them over. I'm not going out!
 
Jewish Mother
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

To be a man....

2007-06-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. ! ! You can open all your own jars . You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

Rods

2007-06-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

Received from D.S.
---------------------------------------------------------------
CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.*

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. *

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain
rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
His new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
Off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
The end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
Not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
Their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
A new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
That she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
She were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
Moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Don't mess with the old man

2007-05-29T05:12:00.001-07:00

Received from unknown.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's
office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse
than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong
with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room
and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
the Doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should
have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further with the
Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions
in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The
man walked out, waited several minutes and then
re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong
with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Assorted Funnies

2007-05-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

Received by email, sender unknown. Thanks- whoever you are.

------------------------------------------------------------------------








A female TV reporter from a local Seattle Station was
out in the boonies interviewing a farmer, attempting
to find out some information on the Mad Cow problem.

"Good evening, sir. I am here trying to collect some
information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and replied, "Miss,
are you aware that a bull mounts a cow only once a
year?"

The lady reporter, obviously embarrassed, replied,
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but
what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad
Cow disease?"

"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a
day?"

"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what
about getting to the point?"

"I am getting to the point, madam. Just think about
this for a minute; if I was playing with your tits
twice a day but only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad too?"

Real Globalization

2007-05-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

From D.S. --------------- INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST ! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gate's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer,that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal's..... That, my friends, is Globalization

The Pope and me...

2007-05-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Received from Lakewood Venter. Thanks
-------------------------------------

A drunken man who smelled of alcohol sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's face was plastered with red lipstick, and a bottle of gin peeked from his coat pocket. He opened a partially torn newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest sized up the drunk and replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Egg-Head

2007-05-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

----------------------------------------------------
Do you believe in reincarnation? I do. Do you want to know why?

It's because I want to become an egg in my next life. That way I'll get

laid every morning, get eaten everyday, and get hard in three minutes

So you want a raise...

2007-05-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the
Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it…

………

…………..

…………….

…we wear rubbers!!"

Bonus with yr Fill-up~

2007-05-08T05:39:00.000-07:00

Received from Hesh

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.

So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free
sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the
proprietor
said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba,pulled in for
another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it tain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won
twice last week."

dig that up for me, son

2007-05-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Received from Lakewood Venter..Thanks!~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Yiddish Story.

An old Jewish man lived alone in the country. He needed to plant his
potato garden but the task was too daunting for the old man as the
ground was hard. His only son, Jacob, who used to help him dig, was in
federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Jacob:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Papa

A few days later, the old man received a letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
For heaven's sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried
the money & stocks.
Love,
Jacob

At 4:00 a.m. the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police
arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden area
without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Papa:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love,
Jacob

Lovely presents

2007-04-27T06:03:00.000-07:00

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said,"My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend atop of the line Mercedes for his birthday"

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said:"What a shame..what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

State the nature of your visit..

2007-04-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

Received from SM. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Israeli arrives in Europe and stands in the line for customs. He gets to the front and the dialogue goes like this

“Name?”

“Moshe Cohen”

“Age?”

“42”

“Occupation?”

“No, just visiting”

She vant to kill me!

2007-04-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

Received from Lakewood Venter. Thanks
-------------------------------------------------------------

POLISH DIVORCE

A polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him -"very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland ."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: "Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, Polish Remover'."

New York Women

2007-04-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Received from Frum Satire. Thanks.
-------------------------------

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Kentucky. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from New York. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Best First Date Story

2007-04-17T20:39:00.000-07:00

f you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope
you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest
date story ever, first date or not!!!

We have all had bad dates.. but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his
car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender
to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching
for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.
All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of
another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to
the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was

"freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes,he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to
unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment.. "This gives a whole new
meaning to being pissed off."

Positive proof of global warming

2007-04-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

Received from Frum Satire.

Hang 'Em out to dry

2007-04-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Another good one from Frum Satire.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love in a Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

What a REAL woman needs..

2007-03-26T03:49:00.000-07:00

Received from FrumSatire.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold,
extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself
tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
wine."

Donate...or Else?!?!

2007-03-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

Both received from YR. Thanks.
--------------------------------------------

A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel with two
large bags. A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full
with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger: "How did you get this money?"
The man says: "You will not believe it, but I traveled all over Europe
and went into all the public restrooms that I could. Each
time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, "Donate money to
Israel or I will cut off your balls."

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles: "Well...it's
a very interesting story............. What do you have in the other
bag?"

The man says: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not
support Israel.

Years of man

2007-03-22T06:12:00.000-07:00

Image and joke received from YR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I
will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said,"That's too
long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other
ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people,
do monkey tricks ,make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life
span of sixty years." The cow said,"That's kind of a tough life you
want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back
the other forty." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said,"What? Only
twenty years?! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the
cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog
gave back...that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal.

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

They are coming for Pesach!

2007-03-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

Received from Social Worker/ Frustrated Mom ( click here for link to her)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly man in Boca Raton calls his son in Chicago and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer!" the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New Jersey and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"They are not getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!!"
She immediately calls her father and screams at the old man, "You are
NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there! I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing. DO YOU HEAR ME!?" She hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone, smiles and turns to his wife...
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own
airfares."

Why parents drink...

2007-03-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

Received from DW

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult,the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss,
now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the Helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

Italian Stallion

2007-03-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

Received from Frum Satire
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Italian Catholic family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here, he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!!

"Also a Supreme Court Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as "Your Honor'.

"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the f%%ing Italian.'

Where's the baby??

2007-03-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Received by email from D.S.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now here's a thought for anyone contemplating motherhood at a
certain time of life:

Having a baby at 65.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65 year
old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait
until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him."

Calvin & Hobbes Week

2007-03-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

This week will be Calvin & Hobbes Week. Enjoy. (Received from DW).

Interview with a Priest & More

2007-03-02T04:56:00.000-08:00

What happens when an Israeli interviews a bona fide priest?
Hat-Tip : DW .
Click here to find out:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now for our first J-blogger submission: From Lakewood Venter

9 months Later......

2007-03-01T04:41:00.000-08:00

NINE MONTHS LATER

* Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

* They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north.

* After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.

* They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady
who answered the door if they could spend the night.

* "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

* "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."

* "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

* The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night.

* Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their
way.

* They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

* About 9 months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney.

* It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

* He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from..... "Yes, I do."

* "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and pay her a "little visit"?"

* "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did." (Thinking to himself "Uh oh, what a fool I was..
9 months ago..)

* "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"

* Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
* I'm afraid I did.

* Why do you ask?"

* "She just died and left me everything."

Gates VS GM

2007-02-28T05:13:00.000-08:00

Received from Uncle A. :

------------------------------------------------

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

(I love the next one!!!)

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

Funny Vid!!

2007-02-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

Let's kick it off!

Funny Video from D.S. -Enjoy.

Click here

And here's a print joke for ya'll who don't watch movies, nyuck nyuck.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

A week later the three men were driving around, and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him what could possibly be the matter--after all, he was driving a luxury car.

"I just passed my wife," he told them, "and she was on a skateboard!!!!

Welcome to Jacob's Jokes & Funnies

2007-02-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

I have always been the (un)lucky recipient of many jokes and funnies. It's time to share them with the world.

I am hereby extending an invite to all to email me their favorite jokes to be posted here daily.

Rules of the Game:

No spamming. Do not email me masses of stupid jokes.

No overt bashing of any religion.

No overt dirty jokes.

Basically, keep it clean, but not too clean.

My email: joker20yy@hotmail.com